Southern Gent seeks new best friend

Our first successful ad came from an idea that was half true, a southern gentleman looking for new friends in a new state. I say it was half true because the ad really was inspired by a southern baseball player that had lived in the same horrible apartments that I did when I was 18, Roanoke Apartments, what a shit hole. But I digress. Our mystery man was a collegiate baseball star from Kentucky who had just moved to Utah and was now all alone.

Hey there, I recently moved here from Kentucky (Home of the Louisville Slugger) to start my new life. I am 24 years old and I am the first person in my family to go to college. I have received a baseball scholarship at UVSC (Utah Valley State College) and I am in a whole new world here in Utah. I decided to post this ad because I recently lost my best friend, Ruger, my chocolate lab. I loved that dog more than life itself. Ruger was my only true friend here in Zion. So right now I’m going through hard times. Anyways with the loss of my dog and not having any family and few friends here in Utah I have been down in the dumps. So I guess what I am looking for is a woman that can show me there is light at the end of the tunnel and help me get over the death of my dog. I really am a southern gentleman, I was raised Southern Baptist, (currently non practicing) I am not really sure who or what I am looking for but if you think I might like you please send me a message and a pic would be nice too. I have posted a picture of Ruger as a puppy. Your pic gets one of me.

This ad was so successful we just couldn’t believe it. I mean seriously this ad took us like ten minutes to get from idea to creation. We received over 15 responses. I think this ad was so successful is because we had a sob story on our hands. Everyone knows all ladies everywhere want a proper southern gentleman. Especially one who is down on his luck and needs love and affection, come on that was too damn easy. Women love that “rags to riches” story of a first in his family collegiate attendee. Women in Utah are especially na├»ve; there is no way that this ad could have failed. As most of the world is aware, Utah is the home of the Mormons (LDS) and as you are probably aware Mormons propagate and proselytize through the use of missionaries and relief aid during crisis. So any opportunity to share their faith they do, and what better way than through tragedy, especially when in the ad I said I was a non practicing member of a Judeo-Christian background, so I could be easily coerced into the Mormon religion. Or so they thought.

One of our favorite replies was from Ashley. A 19 year old, LDS, single parent, and yes I fully understand the irony.

“Hi, my name is Ashley, I’m 19, and I am a student at UVSC as well. I am a divorced single mother of one, so I can fully understand the love you have for your little pup. I was born and raised here in Utah County, I am LDS and I love it. I am a Theology major and I plan on transferring to BYU next semester. You said you are a non practicing Baptist, would you consider coming to a Singles Ward meeting with me next month on BYU’s campus? We have so much fun laughing, playing games, making music and reading scripture. It is nice because it is all young adults and we all have one thing in common and that’s our love for heavenly father and the wisdom he teaches through his profits. I would love to hear back from you. Just know, Ruger is in a better place.”

See what I mean?!?! Crazy fucking Mormons, always trying to show you how great and superior they are. Don’t get me wrong, my neighbors in Utah were Mormon and they were awesome. I have nothing negative to say about the Mormons or their faith; it’s their practices that scare the shit out if me.

So my response to Ashley was this,

“Dearest Ashley,
Thank you for replying to my ad. I was impressed about your passion for your religion and your willingness to help others in their time of need, but unfortunately that same kindness also makes me physically ill. You Mormons are always preying on weak, downtrodden people to proselytize your outlandish religious beliefs and give yourselves this false sense of accomplishment and self worth. While I do think it’s admirable that the LDS church uses its many resources to help in times of crisis and despair, it is fucking horrible that you expect people to accept your beliefs as divinity and salvation. To be frank, thanks but no thanks, I would rather wallow in myself pity and slice my wrists then ever go to your Mormon singles mixers. Keep up the good work though, you will someday find some poor susceptible soul to save.

God I LOVE being an asshole! But as I expected, I would receive a rebuttal, but it was less than impressive.

“It is people like you who stand in the way of true people’s happiness. I was only trying to be nice! I feel sorry for you, you will never experience true happiness since you are so bigoted and closed minded.”

I decided I would let this pretty little airbag think that she had got the best of me and put me in my place. But it wouldn’t be the last time I heard from her…

1 comment:

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